I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
why is half of my head shaved?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
