What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
