Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
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