Swine flu. Run for my life!
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
