you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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