good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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