woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
