You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
