If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
