Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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