I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize