sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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