I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Two words: nipple clamps
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