the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
