she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
