you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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