nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
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