I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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