I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
