He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
