I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
