I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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