So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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