He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Randomize
