I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
