your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Randomize
