I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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