i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize