I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
