Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
