quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
