I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
