I wanna passion pit in your ass
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize