ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
