Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
