Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
two words...techno handjob
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Randomize