I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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