There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
