I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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