can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize