Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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