I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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