I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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