I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Randomize