When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
