aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You are a genius and a whore.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
