ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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