In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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