You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
