You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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