I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
