I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
a search helicopter?!
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
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