you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
this boner is exhausting
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
