Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
