So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
