sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
