My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
