Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
