i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Randomize
