i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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