its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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