it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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