his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Randomize
