I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
