it was like eating out sand paper
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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