just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
We smell like vodka and hangover
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
