Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
