can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
