I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
